02.07.08 :: ms. winehouse, please pick up the white courtesy phone

f*ck me pumps	f*ck me at the pump

posted by lonestarsteve on wed 02.07.08 6:16 AM

i'm feeling like such a debbie downer lately...

you're enjoying your day
everything's going your way
then along comes debbie downer

always there to tell you 'bout a new disease
a car accident or killer bees
you'll beg her to spare you, "debbie, please!"
but you can't stop debbie downer!

top 6 debbie downer good time-thwarters:

001 :: "ever since they found mad cow disease in the u.s., i'm not taking any chances. it can live in your body for years before it ravages your brain."

002 :: "wow, you guys, disney world really is fun. it makes me feel like a kid again. i mean, the time before my 2-year stint at children's hospital."

003 :: "speaking of heat, if this greenhouse effect keeps up we'll all be living underwater."

004 :: "by the way, it's official… i can't have children!"

005 :: "slather up the sunscreen… i had a mole looked at recently and the doctor told me that due to the extent of its irregular borders i'm flirting with a melanoma."

006 :: feline a.i.d.s. is the no. 1 killer of domestic cats."

posted by lonestarsteve on tue 01.07.08 8:11 AM

i definitely think i've got lighthouse on the brain. wait a minute. those aren't ...

are they kidding me with this sh*t? i know a candy-maker who's out of a job this morning. sheesh!

timmy :: mommy, mommy! i like the gummi lighthouses that have more girth than length! those feel the best in my mouth!

mommy :: yes, timmy, i know you do. just don't tell your father.

posted by lonestarsteve on tue 24.06.08 7:51 AM

i'm sure not many who visit here know this, but i'm tracking you. well, actually, "tracking" is just a tad bit harsh and slightly untrue. let's just say that i'm aware of what many of you were searching for online before you found me here. (don't worry. i'm speaking in a very broad sense here. it's not like i could track what each and every individual out there was searching for on the internet. or could i?)

you remember that moment though, don't you, gentle reader? when you excitedly filled-in your string of keywords in the search field on google.com, then clicked "search," (or: "i'm feeling lucky, miss jackson," if you're nasty), and then followed your search to this page, to lonestarsteve.com. it was then that you said, "what the hell? this isn't what i wanted! how the hell did i get here from: "nick lachey crowbar foot massage peanut butter and jelly."

(that's what she said.)

alas, since i have your attention anyway—and just to do homage to some of things that you really wanted to view and read about—i've compiled this little list of the top 8 things you were searching for on the internet that lead you to me, lonestarsteve. please enjoy. and happy hunting, you freaks. (you know i love you more than my luggage).

.:top 8 keyword searches that lead you to me :.

001 :: "eddie cibrian."
this is by far the most-searched keyword string that pulls cyber-searchers in this direction. it's funny because i wrote about cibrian way back in december 2005 when he was starring on abc as sexy park ranger russel varon in a science-fiction drama called invasion. the show sucked, but it had cibrian in almost every scene, so i watched it, sick, dimented f*ck that i am.

he never did take off his shirt though. not even once. i don't know where this picture of him is from, but who cares? cibrian has done a handful of movies, but is probably best known for his guest spots on tv.

most recently, i saw cibrian on abc's ugly betty playing coach diaz, the gym teacher of betty's nephew, justin. he catches the eye of betty's older sister, hilda. and, yes, this time his shirt comes off. can i have a "thank you, jesus!"

002 :: "steve needs."
i can't believe that people still actually search using this keyword search formula. wasn't this google trick established way back when the internet was invented by al gore in 2000? spare me...

003 :: "deepthroat x-ray."
this refers to a photo that i posted back in june 2006. i'm not going to re-post the photo here, however, but if you have never seen it, it's in the archives.

004 & 005 :: "jonathan jesensky" and "eloi eloi lama sabachthani tattoo."
these two keyword search strings refer to my numerous postings about one of my all-time favorite models, jonathan jesensky (aka jonathan west, for all those diehard gay, bi, and trisexual porn fans out there).

i have two framed photos of jonathan in my apartment that were taken by photographer steve henry. jesensky also has a web site that links to more photos here.

it wasn't until october 2006, believe it or not, that i even knew who jonathan was. he is immediately recognizable—even when his head is cropped out of any photo—due to his distinctive tatoo above his navel that says: "eloi eloi lama sabachthani", or "my god, my god, why have your forsaken me?" there's probably a reason for the tattoo, but i've never discovered it.

006 :: "kelly lebrock."
i wrote about kelly also in october 2006 when i was disturbed by the fact that ms. lebrock had let herself go so badly and was now starring on one of those celebrity weight-loss shows. i think she's since lost the extra weight. if so, good for her. if not, there's always weird science 2: return from the fat farm.

007 :: "andrew johann salgado."
i was introduced to this talented young canadian artist in november 2004 when a very close friend gave me a hand-drawn rendering of tori amos for my birthday. the image is amazing, as is the artist.

in this work, tori's face is actually composed of an original hand-written script that is painstakingly repeated to 'carve' the contours of tori's face. the piece is called suitcase: bats&love (a lesson in ethicism).

the poem is this: "...like an unborn fetus, or maybe the yolk of an egg, unfertilized. waiting to hatch before my alligator mother. i will have to be vicious. ferocious. an angry piece of flesh. i must fend for myself and prepare for the clink of sterilized silver-pharma-ware. the earth like a needle. people's blood made of nylon, teflon, rayon, and carbon. i'll dance with gold pom-poms. i'll give you my mortgage. i'll give you my pc my tv my ac. they'll fight to be racy. i watch them destroy the glass in their doors. although i am afraid i dig up potatoes and eat crushed red mangoes."

008 :: "johnny please please, stop pretending."
this phrase, of course, comes from george michael's song, cars and trains. i wrote them first in june 2006. they are listed again below.

cars and trains

mama's gone and got herself a new man
it's a shame, he's the same
mama please please, stop pretending
this time, it won't end in tears
i find myself, with a new daddy
my mama needs love you see
guess she don't wanna be lonely

and nobody's keeping score
i don't say hi to those guys no more
said mama can't you feel me
holding my breath as they knock, knock,
knock on our door

you're just taking your ass
to the top of that building
throwing yourself under cars and trains
taking the pill that you know will kill you
under the wheels,
the same, the same ...

johnny's gone and got himself a new man
he gets laid, every day
johnny please please, stop pretending
this time, may just end in tears
take care of yourself
because you won't find 'daddy'
when you're popping those pills
oh johnny, is the danger just part of the thrill?

and nobody's keeping score
johnny those guys that you shake it for
i said, "johnny can't you hear them
saying mama knows best as they knock, knock,
knock on your door"

you're just taking your ass
to the top of that building
throwing yourself under cars and trains
taking the pill that you know will kill you
under the wheels, the same, the same

taking your ass to the top of that building
throwing yourself under cars and trains
taking the pill that you know will kill you
under the wheels, wheels, wheels

pretty girl, little girl,
what were you thinking
just 18 at the time
you were a mother and child, at the same time
you were a mother and child
so young and fucked up baby
always higher than a child should see...
forgive me

to the top of that building
under cars and trains
taking the pill that you know will kill you
under the wheels, wheels, wheels

mama don't you let him stay
from bastard to loser, hurt you, used you in every way,
mama, don't you let him stay, please
don't let him stay
i said jesus, mary, and the saints above,
won't you show him love?

-- lyrics by george michael

posted by lonestarsteve on mon 23.06.08 7:15 AM

watched kathy griffin on bravo last night. she's back for yet-another season of my life on the d-list. so glad she's back for another season. she always makes me pee my pants.

with emmy in tow from last season, kathy's latest scheme is to win a grammy—or at the very least, be nominated for a grammy.

she just released what might be her first comedy album, for your consideration. it's a recording of a live show in tracy, california. you can buy it on itunes. it's $9.99. not that i know.

good luck, kathy. i wish you all the best with your award. keep making me laugh.

posted by lonestarsteve on fri 20.06.08 7:58 AM

so, i will be entertaining out-of-town guests starting next week. actually, they are not so much guests as they are biological family.

you see, since moving here to the bayou city at the end of 1995, my family has only come to visit me from pennsyltucky twice.

once, in 1998, a year after my ex and i bought our home, my mom and dad flew down to stay with us. we had a really great time. they used houston as a makeshift hub for 2 weeks worth of excursions: to the grand canyon and las vegas and even new orleans. while they were here, we also drove them to visit san antonio and galveston.

then, in 2002, my older brother came to visit solo, without his girlfriend. i think he had fun. his visit corresponded with the very peak of a very difficult time in my life—and a very drunk and high time in my life—so i don't recall much about it. all i remember was that it was pride week, and we took him to see the gay freaks parade down the street and i half remember abandoning him and my ex because i had scored some coke.

good times.

but this visit should be a great one. he's married now, and he and his child bride will be swinging through houston-town on their way back from this music festival. (yes, they be likin' their reggae music, mon). i intend to give them a big ol' slice of lonestarsteve's houston, for better or worse. hell, if they have a good enough time, the word might get back to other members of my family and i might have nothing but visits from them throughout 2009.

careful what you ask for.

posted by lonestarsteve on thu 19.06.08 6:59 AM

word of the day for saturday, june 14, 2008

prink \PRINGK\, transitive verb:
1. to dress up; to deck for show.
2. to dress or arrange oneself for show; to primp.

tara has supermodel legs and is already getting used to being prinked and coiffed as she prepares for her first beauty contest in the autumn.—raffaella barker, "diary hatched, matched and almost despatched", daily telegraph, sept. 6, 1997

the point is reinforced by a clutch of contemporary art photos…showing plump nudes prinking and preening like pouter pigeons, and, in one case, a couple of dancers deliberately posed to recreate a degas painting.—hilary spurling, daily telegraph, jan. 23, 1999

prink is probably an alteration of prank, from middle english pranken, "to show off," perhaps from middle dutch pronken, "to adorn oneself," and from middle low german prunken (from prank, "display").

posted by lonestarsteve on mon 16.06.08 7:02 AM

flipping through the channels can be dangerous. the main thing i've discovered is that tv has changed -- changed a lot -- since i was young. hell, it's changed a lot since i graduated college. and not necessarily for the better. examples of this abound, but probably the most profound is the mtv "reality" show shot at v.d., er, i mean, shot at love with tila tequila.

in case you haven't had the pleasure, the premise of the show is simple enough: take 30 twentysomethings -- 15 "straight" men and 15 lesbianese (all with low self esteem and no future job prospects) and allow them to "live" and "interact" with one fiesty, sex- and attention-crazed 26-year-old asian bisexual internet celebrity. sound like fun? well, it sure is.

and just in case you're saying to yourself, "hey, i've heard of this before. wasn't there already a show about all of this?" well, rest assured there's a simple explanation: this season is tila's second shot at love. get it? tila's first shot at love ended. so now she's looking for love for real.

uhm, check please.

press reports state that tila's first shot at love, with 25-year-old film student bobby banhart, ended before the start of the year. you mean, the relationship didn't last? shocking.

so double-t is at it again: looking for love in all the right places. last night aired the next-to-last show of the second season, which featured tequila visiting the hometowns of the final four "contestants." you have to admire her, uhm, stamina.

stay tuned. i'm sure it's going to be another cliff-hanging season ending. fingers crossed for you, tila.

posted by lonestarsteve on wed 11.06.08 8:23 AM

starr doom is taking me to see them tonight. how excited am i?

i wonder how much they will play that i remember from when i was just starting college, and just beginning my gay life.

the last time i saw them was in pennsyltucky. i was only 15 or 16 and was actually slam dancing with my fellow concert-goers.

i didn't follow them much after that since robert always seemed to write about love and women, and that just didn't do it for me.

but i love their free-spiritedness and their spunk and grunginess.

will robert's hair look the same as it always did?

will i be crushed in the mosh pit?

and, most importantly, has my black t-shirt even been laundered?

tune in and find out...

i don't care if monday's blue
tuesday's grey and wednesday too
thursday i don't care about you
it's friday i'm in love

monday you can fall apart
tuesday wednesday break my heart
thursday doesn't even start
it's friday i'm in love

saturday wait
and sunday always comes too late
but friday never hesitate...

i don't care if monday's black
tuesday wednesday heart attack
thursday never looking back
it's friday i'm in love

monday you can hold your head
tuesday wednesday stay in bed
or thursday watch the walls instead
it's friday i'm in love

saturday wait
and sunday always comes too late
but friday never hesitate...

dressed up to the eyes
it's a wonderful surprise
to see your shoes and your spirits rise
throwing out your frown
and just smiling at the sound
and as sleek as a shriek
spinning round and round
always take a big bite
it's such a gorgeous sight
to see you eat in the middle of the night
you can never get enough
enough of this stuff
it's friday
i'm in love

posted by lonestarsteve on mon 09.06.08 7:23 AM

just got back from my biannual trip to pennsyltucky to see my biological family. nothing much has changed here in the bayou city.

it's still hot as hell (and getting hotter) ...

gasoline prices are still creeping above $4 per gallon (and climbing higher)...

and hillary is still campaigning her little pantsuit off (she's such a nutcracker)...

the more things change, the more they stay the same.

forgive me, i've had my fill of coffee for the day.

posted by lonestarsteve on wed 28.05.08 7:30 AM

from the hope of the future: the youth
to the backbone of the party: hard-working white people

posted by lonestarsteve on sun 18.05.08 8:06 PM

this is bonny. she was a cat that used to hang out in the courtyard of my apartment complex. everyone loved her and would watch over her and feed her. she would always call out when she saw me at my door, expecting handouts.

a few years ago, bonny had a sidekick, her brother clyde. bonny and clyde, get it? cute. anyway, clyde was this great black cat who would just jump up on your lap whenever you went out into the courtyard to sit. he was just so mellow. he died a few years ago after getting really sick and really thin. it was sad to see him die in such a way.

i would see bonny more often when i smoked outside on my patio, but over the last 9 months or so after quitting smoking, i didn't really see much of her. i saw enough of her, however, to realize that she had developed some kind of cancer on her ear and was in considerable pain and discomfort.

this week a neighbor took mercy on bonny and had her put down. i think it was the right decision. i will miss her very much. but i know that she was suffering a great deal.

bonny and clyde were not always outside courtyard cats. when i moved in to this complex 5 years ago, i was told that bonny and clyde belonged to a gay guy who lived across the courtyard from where i live now. this guy used to sit outside and smoke and talk to everyone else. very friendly. well, the guy ended up dying from complications due to hiv and aids and when the guy's family came to clean out his apartment, they took everything but bonny and clyde. they just abandoned them in the courtyard. so that's why everyone thought of them as their own cats.

we've had a lot of feral cats come and go, but none will ever match up to bonny and clyde. may they both rest in peace.

posted by lonestarsteve on fri 16.05.08 8:10 AM

i love suze orman and i love kristen wiig. two great tastes that taste great together.

a few money-saving tips just for the ladies:

oo1 :: don't waste your money on expensive self-tanners. do what i do: sit in a bathtub with 12 beef bullion cubes overnight.

002 :: you need a hot stone massage? don't go to the parlor. slather on some i can't believe it's not butter and roll around on a gravel driveway.

003 :: and finally, instead of buying fancy maxi-pads, you can make your own. go to the dollar store, buy a 24-pack of baby socks and some double-sided tape.

posted by lonestarsteve on thu 15.05.08 7:58 AM

strange, wacky weekend.


must have been the drag pageant.


or mother's day.


or getting my tax stimulus check.


i'm just sayin'.


or maybe somebody's just got me by my disco balls.

posted by lonestarsteve on mon 12.05.08 8:13 AM

one of my favorite authors, augusten burroughs (or, his blog is here), has just released his third memoir entitled a wolf at the table: a memoir of my father, which is actually a sort-of prequal to the wildly successful running with scissiors: a memoir. although i'm yet to read the new novel, wolf centers around the author's early relationship -- or lack thereof -- with his cruel, neglectful father.

although i will probably purchase and read this latest memoir (i have most of his other books, including sellevision, running, dry: a memoir, magical thinking: true stories, and possible side effects. my copies of dry and thinking were both signed by burroughs when i met him in houston during a book tour. one of the many thrills of my life), critics have largely panned the new work.

janet maslin of the new york times calls the book "determinedly unfunny, awkwardly histrionic, and sometimes anything but credible."

entertainment weekly's jennifer reece notes, "no a single page rings true. C minus."

the associated press says, "the melodrama is overwhelming. B minus."

really only publishers weekly liked the book, finding "enormous pleasure" in it. follows is their short review:

"a searing, emotional portrait of a son who wants nothing more than the love his father will not grant him, burroughs’s latest memoir (after 2004’s dry) is indeed powerful. absent is the wry humor of running with scissors and the absurd poignancy of burroughs's years living with his mother's svengali-like psychiatrist. instead, burroughs focuses on the years he lived both in awe and fear of his philosophy professor father in amherst, mass. despite frequent trips with his mother to escape his father's alcoholic rages, burroughs was determined to win his father's affection, secretly touching the man's wallet and cigarettes and even going so far as to make a surrogate dad with pillows and discarded clothing. only after his father's neglect -- or cruelty -- leads to the death of burroughs's beloved guinea pig during one of the family's many separations does the son turn against the father. avoiding self-pity, burroughs paints his father with unwavering honesty, forcing the reader to confront, as he did, a man who even on his deathbed, refused his son a hint of affection. his father missed so much, burroughs muses, not knowing his son. luckily, burroughs does not deny the reader such an enormous pleasure.

i'll have to let you know what i thought of the book once i get my hands on it.

posted by lonestarsteve on sat 03.05.08 8:45 AM

so, if you're a queen anywhere in the world worth your weight in salt [or lollipops], you are well aware of the fact that madonna has released a new album this week. i have to admit, in my early years on the dancefloor as a gay whirly-twirly chipper-twinky, i really dug anything that material madge put out there. to me, back then, she symbolized the very essence of what was on the minds of gay men at that very moment. it is like madonna had access to some kind of freaky, secret portal that tapped into the collective consciousness of fags around the globe.

in some recent conversations with my boyfriend, however, i now subscribe to his thinking that madonna, with her latest effort in hard candy, has lost her grip on what is on our minds. the creative, insightful portal is closing. i think that as of late, she is putting material out there just for the sake of making money. and for the sake of fear. fear of her fanbase forgetting her. fear of aging. fear of having to resort to doing something that she's no good at, like act in movies, for a living. [would she starve, or what?]

don't get me wrong. i truly love madonna. some of her albums -- like a virgin, true blue, music, american life, ray of light, confessions on a dancefloor -- i have in itunes and will always play and enjoy. but i just don't think she is doing what she enjoys doing anymore, and it's starting to show.

i'll close with this review of hard candy written for edge boston by one of my favorite bloggers, alan bennett ilagan. he really likes the album, and since i respect alan so much, maybe i'm missing something. let me know your thoughts. you've got 4 minutes.

posted by lonestarsteve on wed 30.04.08 8:03 AM

this southern belle seems to think that everything fell to shit after janet flashed her titty on television. i say it could have been much, much worse...

good times, indeed.

posted by lonestarsteve on tue 29.04.08 6:49 PM

i found this fascinating beyond my human comprehension. damn you, youtube.

posted by lonestarsteve on sun 27.04.08 9:02 AM

i was a bit late in discovering the incredibly soulful croonings of miss amy winehouse, but i'm extremely grateful that i finally did. [do women vocalists croon, or is it just male singers who can? i'll need to find out...]

actually, it was none other than him who turned me on to her. he has her website link listed among others on his music link on his own blog. thanks for that, kurt. it's true that some of the most gifted artists are also some of the most tormented.

well, my love affair with her music is in some trouble. actually, it's amy who's in some trouble.

associated press in london reported that winehouse left a london police station today after receiving a formal police caution for assult. winehouse, just 24, was there being questioned about reports of a scuffle she was involved in with two men during a late night out tuesday and in the early morning hours of wednesday.

luckily the caution that was issued is not a formal charge, but the incident will remain on record and could count against her if she is ever charged with a similar offense in the future, ap reported.

the scuttlebutt is that a man was quoted in a tabloid as saying winehouse hit him when he got in her way while she was playing pool at a bar in london's camden neighborhood. the man also alleged that winehouse head-butted another man, who was trying to hail her a cab.

this event follows closely an incident in october when winehouse and husband blake fielder-civil were arrested in bergen, norway, and held for a night on charges of drug possession. [have you seen the now-infamous internet video of her allegedly taking a hit off a crack pipe? shit].

then, in december, winehouse was arrested in london on suspicion of attempting to interfere with a court case involving her husband. as of early this year, however, prosecutors are said to no longer be pursuing the affair.

despite her erratic behavior, missed concerts, and stints in drug rehab, winehouse's musical career is flourishing. she won five grammys this year for her album back to black.

my thoughts and prayers go out to winehouse that she may find the help she needs. i hope she has a long, prosperous musical career and life.

posted by lonestarsteve on sat 26.04.08 10:49 AM

friday, finally. thank you, jesus. what a long freakin' week. is it me, or do the weeks sometimes drag on? or is it just that i'm getting older? [i'll have to get back to you on that one.]

pretty busy weekend planned. event-filled. will probably go faster than i care to even think about. i'm planning to make the most of it, regardless how short it feels.

for sure, i have to get some of this crap that has been piling up around me in my apartment out. i'm talking magazines, papers, clothes, shoes ... you name it, it needs to go, go, go.

this year was supposed to be all about streamlining. less clutter in my life. sleek. clean. polished.

i'm just sayin'...

posted by lonestarsteve on fri 25.04.08 7:28 AM

i just wasn't feeling it this morning. i had to call off sick for the day. it's my first sick day this year. and although i know they were sweating it out at work due to my absence, i refuse to feel any remorse.

on saturday i ate a couple handfuls of mixed nuts for breakfast before going over to play volleyball with the fellas, and i got so freakin' sick! i mean, i'm talking puking-my-lungs-up-sick. over and over. lonestarsteve in the corner of the schoolyard where we play every week, one hand up on the trunk of a tree for support, the other clutching a water bottle, body doubled-over, just letting loose. totally gross. at one point, the ball rolled over toward where i was and i called out, "do not come over here to retrieve the ball."

i think that either some foreign strain of seed or legume had gotten into that nut sack, or the expiration date on the bag was back when i was still just a fetus. in either case, i haven't been feeling quite right since then. and last night's sleep was not what it could have been.

that said, i'm feeling a bit better now that i've had some nap time and now i'm starving, so i'm going to go forage for food.

hope you all had better mondays.

posted by lonestarsteve on mon 21.04.08 4:10 PM

i didn't quite understand what parts of the chicken i was eating last night for dinner. thanks, tyson, for making my dining experience such an adventure!

sure there's no trans-fat in those suckers, but damn, are they so desperate for meat that they are starting to bread and fry up the chicken's twigs and berries now? what is that thing?

yummers! get me some of that honey mustard dippin' sauce!

posted by lonestarsteve on wed 16.04.08 7:24 AM

like, hello? where the hell did the weekend go? jesus h. christ. i'm like this close to calling in sick today, but with the weather being what it is (gorgeous, just like over the weekend), my coworkers and boss will no doubt call my bluff. damn them. damn them all.

speaking of weekends, has anyone noticed how much pete burns from dead or alive has "altered" his outward appearance? of course, i'm sure -- like most other surprising things in this life -- i am probably slow on the uptake with this not-so-shocking revelation. if that's the case, gentle reader, please don't hate me. i'm getting old.

that said, the reason i ask this question is because i woke up on saturday morning with a dead or alive song in my head (take your pick, kids. it could have been one of a dozen songs; i was a complete dead or alive addict/freak in my trying-to-get-into-gay-clubs-underage heyday. can i have an "amen?") and since now i have an 80GB ipod to load up with crappy 80's music, i thought i would log on to itunes and see what their dead or alive offerings were. (most of my dead or alive music, if i remember correctly, is on cassette tapes and those tapes are at the bottom of my second closet, probably unplayable at this point).

so, it turns out that itunes has quite a bit from the band. i didn't realize that they made something like 8 albums during their turn in the spotlight. so now, $80-plus-some-tax later, i own it all.

told you i was an addict.

posted by lonestarsteve on mon 14.04.08 8:04 AM

so, this past saturday i went shopping in a thrift store in the heights with my boyfriend and one of his best friends, who was visiting from out of town. we didn't find any real bargains, but we did come across this bin of what one could only refer to as "misfit" toys. the huge wire bin was heaped with some of the saddest discarded stuffed and plastic toys i'd ever seen. some had torn seams, while others were missing limbs. most, if not all, of these toys showed clear signs of not so much "too much love" as blatant, outright abuse.

and then there was naked barbie.

first off, i didn't take this photo. credit for that goes to my beau, who happens to have a better camera in his cell phone, god bless him. i shamelessly lifted this photo from his blog without even asking. that's the kind of boyfriend i am, after all. [thanks, baby. be safe on your trip. i miss you already.]

but i digress...what i meant to say was that this particular naked barbie -- and there were many to choose from -- struck me as particularly contented with her place in life. sure, she once lived the high life, probably even had a towering, plush townhome, with a fast, shiney malibu, and a gorgeous boyfriend, who she'd swear up and down was straight and totally into her. but now, look at her.

she's completely naked, with a shaved, christopher walken hairdo, a pricetag on her neck written in green sharpie, sitting atop this vat of misfit, abused toys, with nothing left to show for her past glamourous life than a cheap, plastic, blue loveseat. but, observe. she's waving. and she's smiling. what bravery. what style. what true display of class. i'm just sayin'.

she completely deserves to have an alcoholic drink named after her?

posted by lonestarsteve on thu 10.04.08 8:20 AM

kristen wiig outdoes herself each and every time...

posted by lonestarsteve on sun 06.04.08 4:23 PM

fuck. i overslept. so now my already late-running morning routine is thwarted with yet another challenge: making up even more lost time. shit. fuck. shit. i hate it when this happens.

and all this on top of having already suffered silently through another incredibly stressful work week. [side note: there's something going on at work -- something evil -- and i don't think i'm paranoid in thinking so. mark my words. i'm just sayin'.]

so, where from here? well, all i can do is write this, slowly drink my second cup of coffee (is she using the back end of a fork to stir that? what the hell? can't she wash some of them nasty dirty dishes for christ's sake?), and pray that my boss is in his office when my head pokes in the door in about an hour.

shit.

posted by lonestarsteve on fri 04.04.08 8:25 AM

posted by lonestarsteve on thu 03.04.08 7:36 AM

i receive about an e-mail alert a day from 10 percent productions. i don't recall how i got on their distribution list. it doesn't really matter anymore. all that matters is that in receiving a daily reminder from the gay-oriented retailer, i am kept on the bleeding edge of the ever-changing fashion within our community.

case in point, would you have realized without being told that the half-shirt is back in vogue? i didn't think so. take this rugby mesh shirt from rufskin, for example (pictured).

the ad explains: "rufskin has done it again and brought you this hot mesh top that is reminiscent of the 80's with all the sensibilities of modern design. the rugby is a mesh sport midriff top with contrast piping, front pocket with 'rufskin' sport embroidery and middle back "r" application. made from nylon and spandex. you can really show off your body in this -- what more do we need to say -- the shirt speaks for itself."

sensibilites of modern design? contrast piping? a t-shirt with a front pocket? and it speaks for itself? thanks, rufskin, for giving me yet another reason not to leave the house again today. you rock.

posted by lonestarsteve on mon 31.03.08 2:17 PM

yesterday i found out from kurt (and later, from my boyfriend) that none other than george michael will be gracing houston (as well as many other u.s. cities) with his presence this summer during his 2008 north american 25live tour. you go, george. i'm there, honey. don't you worry.

hearing about the tour jogged some pretty amazing memories about the pop singer and just what he's meant to me over my lifetime. he's always been there for me, you see. and yet sometimes he's betrayed me. most recently, i remember how pissed i was back in december 2005 after hearing from the u.k.'s bbc news that michael, then 42 years old, was to marry his long-time partner -- and fellow texan -- kenny gross. he called him his american angel, of all things. the bastard!

shortly after hearing the news, i posted the following passage, which describes the tumultuous relationship that i had with michael (in my head) followed by a nasty breakup (in my head). i think the post is worth repeating here:

"given this shocking news, i guess that you can surmise that george and my relationship just didn't work out. we broke up last christmas. it was the strangest thing. we met, and wham! we were a couple. we were star people for a while, then things became too funky and the problems began. we did gave it a try, then gave it one more try, then i made a last request. i was just praying for time, waiting for that day to spend more time with him, but my careless whispers went unnoticed. i thought we had something flawless, you know? something outside the ordinary, something to save, but we were just living hand to mouth most of the time and had a real string of hard days. finally, we were both just spinning the wheel, you know? i then lost patience and finally realized that he was just a monkey on my back. i was so blue after that, though, and nearly lost my faith in relationships in general. "but i want your sex," i told him, "i'm your man!" then i said to myself, "she ain't worth it. you are just kissing a fool. she's already got everything she wants!" he just wanted fast love anyway, and i had no freedom with him in my life. what was i thinking anyway? besides, he is so much older than me -- old enough to be a father figure for christ's sake. i remember screaming, "don't wake me up before you go-go," the day he left my apartment. "go ahead and marry your american angel! you freeek!"

posted by lonestarsteve on wed 26.03.08 8:26 AM

even after making a solid commitment a little less than a month ago to post each and every weekday on this so-called blog, i've feel that i've fallen far short of my pledge to you, gentle reader. and for that, i must apologize.

that said, yesterday i started feeling really guilty about not posting much this week. i discovered, however, that i could justify my angst through the use of two simple explanations: time and content, or lack-thereof of both. simply put, (1) does lonestarsteve have enough time in the morning to post something witty and clever before having to take his hair rollers out and crawl on into work and (2) if lonestarsteve doesn't really have anything witty and clever to post, should he just throw something crappy out there just so that he can say he posted something?

the answer to question no. 1 most days is 'no,' lonestarsteve runs out of time very quickly in the mornings due to all the other crap he insists on entertaining himself with before heading off in to work (drinking one's coffee and feeding one's pussy are both excruciatingly time-consuming chores, after all). and the answer to question no. 2 also is 'no,' lonestarsteve will not compromise himself or the integrity of his blog site with a crappy post just for the sake of posting something for the masses to consume.

and i know all you crazy bitches -- er, i mean, gentle readers -- think along the same lines, which is why i don't mind telling you this next thing: today, i have off from work. good friday is on my company's books as a paid holiday (not so much a holiday for christ our savior, i admit, but i digress...)

so on this day -- a day free of the time-crunch involved in preparing for yet another crappy day at work -- i decided to rack my brain to come up with something worthwhile to read. and although i'm almost certain that i've failed you, gentle reader, in accomplishing this task, i remain satisfied in knowing that i've filled this space once again with something just for the sake of saying that i've posted something today. and that, to me anyway, feels better than you could ever imagine.

have a good friday and a happy easter, you nasty little bunnies.

posted by lonestarsteve on fri 21.03.08 9:02 AM

i think that sometimes i prefer to have too little time on my hands than the other way around.

i'm just sayin'.

posted by lonestarsteve on tue 18.03.08 8:22 AM

i received a bit of a surprise yesterday night when i got home from work. for the last week my apartment complex's property management company has hired "workmen" to enter each unit and "look" for where the natural gas lines are connected.

my surprise yesterday was that the gentle (and extremely skilled) workment found where my natural gas line was located: in the partial wall between the hallway and kitchen. surprise!!

i don't know exactly what their course of action will be now that they found what they were looking for ... i can only hope, now can't i?

posted by lonestarsteve on thu 13.03.08 8:00 AM

some of the residents living in my apartment complex feel compelled every morning to set out food for the scores of feral cats that hang out in our courtyard.

the problem with that is that the free food attracts more than just cats.

one morning not long ago i caught this possum partaking in the free food frenzy. my cat, badger, just watched through the screen door.

lovely. rabies, anyone?

posted by lonestarsteve on wed 12.03.08 8:16 AM

top 10 things uttered by yoda while making love*

012 :: "ahhh! yoda's little friend you seek!"
011 :: "urm. put a shield on my saber i must."
010 :: "feel the force!"
009 :: "foreplay, cuddling ... a jedi craves not these things."
008 :: "down here, i am. find a ladder, i must!"
007 :: "do me or do me not ... there is no 'try.'"
006 :: "early must i rise. leave now you must!"
005 :: "you know, this would be a lot more fun without frank oz's hand up my ass."
004 :: "happens to every guy sometimes this does."
003 :: "when 900 years old you reach, viagra you need too, hmmmmm?"
002 :: "ow, ow, ow! on my ear you are!"
001 :: "who's your jedi master? who's your jedi master?"

*found somewhere on the net while desperately searching for content.

posted by lonestarsteve on tue 11.03.08 8:33 AM

nothing to write...

no time to write it...

who's f*cking idea was is to
turn the clocks forward
an hour anyway?

probably a republican,
no doubt.

a daytime-loving,
baby-kissing republican.

if it were up to cher
we would all have
to turn back time.

kiss her ass.

posted by lonestarsteve on mon 10.03.08 8:53 AM

whirlwind of a weekend planned...

001, fri. a.m. :: work
002, fri. p.m. :: eye doc
003, later fri. p.m. :: date nite, pt. i
004, sat. a.m. :: meet w/sponsor
005, sat. p.m. :: volleyball w/the boyz
006, later sat. p.m. :: date nite, pt. ii
007, sun. a.m. :: meet w/sponsee
008, sun. p.m. :: roller derby

posted by lonestarsteve on fri 07.03.08 6:12 AM

british fans of barbados-born r&b songstress rihanna will be unable to get that "complete" concert experience, press reports said yesterday.

that's because those attending concerts during the uk-leg of rihanna's good girl gone bad tour are allegedly being banned from bringing umbrellas into the venue for fear that someone could get injured.

umbrellas, of course, have become a signature accessory at rihanna's concerts ever since the release last march of her incredibly successful single, 'umbrella.'

reports say fans in aberdeen on monday were told by security guards to leave their brollies out in the rain.

security personnel were quoted as saying: "we were told that rihanna's song features dancing with umbrellas on stage. we didn't want the crowd following her actions and someone getting their eye poked out."

yes, that would truly be tragic. [sidenote: the ban obviously wasn't enough to keep one aging, alcoholic queen from impersonating the singer for charity in october 2007. isn't it bad luck to open an umbrella indoors anyhow?]

although it is expected that the ban shouldn't affect concert ticket sales, it has been reported that the controversy has rihanna second-guessing the working title of her latest single from her fourth studio album, now in the works.

i guess future rihanna concert-goers won't be mouthing the words to 'bowie hunting knife' any time soon.

posted by lonestarsteve on thu 06.03.08 7:50 AM

i woke up this morning with this black-eyed peas gem in my head. don't know why.

i drive these brothers crazy,
i do it on the daily,
they treat me really nicely,
they buy me all these ices.
dolce & gabbana,
fendi and that donna
karan, they be sharin'
all their money got me wearin' fly
brother i ain't askin,
they say they love my ass in,
seven jeans, true religion's,
i say no, but they keep givin'
so i keep on takin'
and no i ain't taken
we can keep on datin'
i keep on demonstrating.

i wish. it. would. just. go. away.

i guess the only remedy would be to seek out the closest houston-area elevator playing a muzak version of roxanne by the police.

so, i ask you, what you gon' do with all that junk? all that junk inside your trunk?

[sidenote: project runway finale tonight, bravo channel, 9 p.m. (central). like i was saying earlier, i'll be glad when it's all over with. this season was such a snooze-fest, in my opinion. maybe the show itself is losing its edge. i mean, seriously, there's probably only so many times you can tolerate hearing designer/judge michael kors tell a designer that their garment's crotch is insane. honestly.]

posted by lonestarsteve on wed 05.03.08 7:56 AM

not much to say this a.m. i'm participating in a media event this morning. some kind of panel discussion. i'm pretty nervous about it, but i'm trying to allow my nervousness fuel in me some level of self-confidence. i'll let you know how that works out.

in other news, the presidential primaries take place today in texas. i've got my favorites, but this is not a political blog, so i'll refrain. i don't care much about talking politics anyway.

but, i will give you this: while doing some research online, i found this gem that a youtuber put together earlier this year. you go, hillary! me-ow!

[warning: you might not want to have your computer's sound turned up too loud on this one. sheesh!]

posted by lonestarsteve on tue 04.03.08 6:33 AM

pretty groovy weekend, ya'll. since i was offline during the turn of the new year, i thought that now might be a good time to share my new year's resolution list.

the list is quite extensive, but that's intentional. after all, you can't reach for the stars by standing on the ground, right?

i thought it would be a good idea to double-check my list now (at the 2-month point) so that i could see how closely i've been meeting my goals.

so, here goes...

lonestarsteve's 2008 new year's resolutions

001 :: read 25 novels by yearend
002 :: write in journal at least once a week
003 :: start writing your novel; write a little each weekend
004 :: treat yourself to a nice "beachy" vacation
005 :: maintain better contact with friends (long-distance)
006 :: learn to meditate
007 :: take a writing class
008 :: maintain weight (around 170 lbs., unless you start working out)
009 :: maintain a disciplined running schedule
010 :: don't even think about smoking again
011 :: get regular massages
012 :: research buying a different—and more affordable—car
013 :: passively look for a new (different) job
014 :: try to replenish and maintain a savings account
015 :: organize and discard unimportant papers and reading material
016 :: donate and discard unused clothing and shoes
017 :: reassess your living situation (new apartment in 2009?)
018 :: reassess blog (lonestarsteve.com) and what i want from it

all i can say is this: i weighed in at 175 lbs. this morning. and i haven't started working out.

posted by lonestarsteve on mon 03.03.08 8:04 AM

i really don't feel as though i need to write anything today, because today shouldn't really even exist. since feb. 29 comes around so rarely, i don't see the point in even going in to work today, do you? i wonder if my boss even expects me today?

i think that instead of calling today "leap day," they should call it something more appropriate, something more descriptive, more realistic. something like: "beotch, you've-got-24-more-hours-to-come-up-with-rent-for-march day" or, better yet, name it after an activity that i would rather be doing than going in to work, such as: "laundry day" or "drive-those-bamboo-shoots-up-my-fingernail-beds day" or "isn't-it-time-for-my-barium-edema day."

whatever you call it, consider it a bonus. kind of like that piece of parsley that comes on the side of every plate ordered at the international house of pancakes. do you eat it? do you place it aside? it's your parsley: do with it as you see fit.

posted by lonestarsteve on fri 29.02.08 8:07 AM

last night was part one of the finale of project runway, season 4, but you know what? i'm not even going to write about it. there are just too many of you bitches doing the same ... damn ... thing.

i will say this: all three remaining designers -- christian, jullian, and rami (shown above) -- will each go on to have amazing careers. this is due to the simple fact that the talent pool from which bravo producers selected this season's contestants, although not as immense as year's past, was stocked with nothing but sheer, raw (and some may argue, refined) talent. dem' bitches could sew, in other words.

that said, who do i think will win this season? well, picture this: paris hilton is stopped by an entertainment reporter at a red-carpet event sometime in the near future and asked, "who are you wearing?" what name do you hear her saying, with her usual, refined aplomb:

a. oh, it's a christian siriano. he's hot.
b. jullian lewis designed this outfit to match my sparkle phone. she's from long island.
c. two words: rami kashov. nicole has one just like it.

posted by lonestarsteve on thu 28.02.08 7:50 AM

i missed saturday night live this past week. it was the first live show aired since the end of the writers' strike. i hope the resolution that was reached was fair and balanced. and i hope it serves as a reminder of just how important writers are. (having to suffer through weeks of no new ugly betty episodes should be enough to illustrate that point.)

even though i didn't see it, my sister-in-law sent this link to me for a funny snl parody commercial about annuale, the magic pill for women to extend the time between their periods to 11 months. (you'll have to bear with the preemptive commercial; that's how writers get paid).

side effects include development of a second vagina, but i'm sure it's otherwise harmless...

posted by lonestarsteve on wed 27.02.08 8:08 AM

the members of the board of directors of this lousy blog site -- having met recently -- have made an executive decision: they can no longer sit back and watch lonestarsteve.com deteriorate like it has.

afterall, it was they who helped to make this blog site, sharing the burdens and the joy.

and they will give lonestarsteve himself ample time to repay the debt. plenty of time.

of course, they'll have to take the 5th avenue apartment. lonestarsteve wouldn't want stay there alone anyway, right?

lonestarsteve :: what debt? i've got shares of stock.
board of directors :: we had to borrow to pay for the construction on your apartment.
l.s.s :: you think you're very clever, don't you? trying to sweep the poor little blogger under the carpet. well, think again. i'm on the board of directors of this lousy blog site.
b.o.d. :: we assumed that you would no longer want to be on the board.
l.s.s. :: i helped build lonestarsteve.com to what it is today. i intend to stay with it.
b.o.d. :: but we have retired you from the board of directors...
l.s.s. :: you nearly drove unprotectedtext to his grave, and now you're trying to stab me in the back? forget it! i fought worse mosters than you for years in the blogosphere! i can win the hard way!
b.o.d. :: we don't want any hard feelings...
l.s.s. :: you don't know what hard feelings are until i come out publicly against this blog site. you'll see how much traffic will change.
b.o.d. :: it's hardly necessary to make threats you surely don't mean.
l.s.s. :: don't call me surely!! er, i mean, don't fuck with me, fellas! this ain't my first time at the rodeo. i can use it any way i want. it's a sword, cuts both ways.

posted by lonestarsteve on tue 26.02.08 6:48 AM

i always liked housecleaning
even as a child
i dug straightening cabinets
putting new paper on shelves
washing the refrigerator
inside out
and unfortunately this habit
has carried over and i find
i must now remove you
from my life.

-- nikki giovanni

posted by lonestarsteve on mon 17.09.07 6:16 AM