29.12.06 :: like a good book, i can't put this day back ...

so, it's that innocuous, insipid week between christmas and new year's day and i'm finding my thoughts wandering above and beyond all things earthly. thinking about the past year, thinking about today, and thinking about the days to come.

i was in line yesterday at cvs buying cigarettes and ice cream and this guy in line behind me -- a good-looking guy, about my same age -- stopped me before i left the store and said, "i have to compliment you. if i had a hairstyle like that, i could dominate the world." those were his exact words. then he shook my hand, and i was on my way.

such a strange thing to say to a total stranger in a cvs store, don't you think? i didn't know what to say. i still don't. maybe it means that i should cancel my hair appointment today? maybe it means i should look into the possibility of world domination? or it could mean that i'm stopping into the wrong place to buy cigarettes and ice cream? hmmm?

so, i just wanted you all to know that i'm in a state of flux at the moment and not into my usual routine. i'm looking forward to making it through my workday today and then enjoying a long, relaxing, contemplative 3-day weekend. there's more to come, to be sure. just check back and see.

and thanks for your time today. it means more to me that you'll ever know.

posted by lonestarsteve on fri 29.12.06 4:55 AM

doing well on my trip. nice cold, clear weather. time with my nephews and family and friends. couldn't ask for more. photos illustrate my point ...

posted by lonestarsteve on thu 21.12.06 10:18 AM

it's 3 freakin' a.m. i'm up because i don't want to miss my 7 a.m. flight to pennsyltucky. [note to self: why do you always make your reservations for the earliest flight out of bayou city? you know you hate the mornings.]

there's a chance that i will miss the flight on account of i'm not even packed yet. i haven't even started. for those who know me, they know that i never pack for a trip ahead of time. it doesn't matter where i'm going. i think this is due to the fact that i don't like to commit to anything -- clothes, shoes, shirts, anything. instead, i wake up hours before my flight and twirl and twirl like a whirling dervish around my apartment and collect up all that i'll require for my trip. and yet, even doing it this way for years and years, i don't usually forget to bring anything. funny.

today's christmas door no. 19 revealed a bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans. something to have for breakfast on the plane, i'm sure. i'm really looking forward to this trip. it will be nice to get out of town for a spell. reconnect with my family. celebrate the season. and all that crap.

i'm going to try to post everyday while i'm traveling, but don't hold me to a hard-fast schedule. i am, afterall, me.

posted by lonestarsteve on tue 19.12.06 3:35 AM

christmas is getting closer and closer. and so is the end of 2006. i don't really want to write my "looking back at 2006" entry tonight, but i have been thinking a lot about it.

over the weekend, christmas cabinet doors no. 16 and 17 revealed a pair of socks, one in each cubby. they say: rich, cool, smart, handsome. [couldn't be more true, except for the rich part. well, and the cool part. and the smart part also. wait a second, who was supposed to get these socks?] along with each sock i received a ginormous chocolate penny. totally awesome. i promise not to try to spend them.

behind door no. 18 this morning was a rock candy lollipop.

the christmas memory strips for these three days read, "ice skating at the valley forge ice rink ... at grover's pond in the kimberton, or even the iced-over green canals over the second fence (what the #^@& was in that water?!); mom's traditional christmas brunch...; finding candy canes on the tree on christmas morning."

as kids we ice skated any time we could get the chance. ice skating on friday nights at the local ymca was the thing to do when we were in junior high. there also was a quarry nearby our house that was surrounded by a perimeter fence that we called "the second fence." we used to get into all kinds of trouble over there. the quarry manufactured all kinds of building materials and we used to skate on the frozen green water that collected in huge ponds near the factory. we didn't even think about it as kids, but now we wonder what harmful substances could have been in that water. what were we thinking?

every year, mom hosts a christmas brunch and invites her brother and his family to attend. i usually don't get to attend because she holds it a weekend before christmas. i've been there a few times though.

as kids, when we woke up on christmas morning, santa would have placed candy canes all over the christmas tree. it was something that i looked forward to every year as a kid. something about seeing the candy hanging there on nearly every branch solidified the thought in my mind that we'd been visited by greatness. magic. santa.

thanks, dan and jill, for the socks and candy. i'm going to have to pack up to leave for pennsyltucky tonight, so i'll have to open the remaining doors and bring their contents with me on my trip.

looking forward to seeing everyone.

posted by lonestarsteve on mon 18.12.06 7:22 AM

no chocolate today. ornament. angel ornament. personalized angel ornament. love it. i'm also getting really close to packing up and shipping out to pennsyltucky for christmas. i leave on the 19th. and i cannot wait. i need a break from the bayou city. and from work. and from life.

it will be like a shot in the arm for me to get on a plane and jet off to my old stomping grounds. see a couple of friends. visit with my nephews. absolute peace.

the christmas memory slip read, "going to the jammed-packed christmas eve mass at st. augustine's ... getting to hear mom sing in church righ beside us ..."

you know, thinking back, i really did resent having to go to mass on christmas eve. back then it seemed more like punishment than worship. the mass was long and the anticipation to get into bed, fall asleep, and wake up to christmas presents under the tree was palpable.

our church did a pretty good job with decorations for the holidays though. and at the christmas eve mass, they usually had a special choir singing, which was nice. and my mom did sing right beside all of us...

so i guess it wasn't all bad.

posted by lonestarsteve on fri 15.12.06 8:33 AM

today, as you all well know, is half-nekkid thursday. but i do not have an hnt photo to share with you today. osbasso, from views from the back row, suggested that today's hnt photo should be you, half-nekkid, with your christmas tree.

but i don't have a tree. i don't even have a sprig of holly. i never decorate for christmas (or haven't decorated in the last several years) due to the fact that i'm never in the bayou city over christmas. i'm always en route to pennsyltucky to visit my family.

i let my parents and brothers and their families put up the trees. and decorate. and fuss. i like it that way, actually. it's very painless for me. nothing to put up, nothing to take down after new year's day.

but i did want to post just a smattering of the photos from a shoot the other night. i'll post the others at a later date.

i think i mentioned before the awesomely cool straight couple who live above me. i've tried to make it a point to hang out with them more often than i have in the past. they are good people. they are beautiful people. and they are fun to be around. and they are both very gifted photographers.

phara, who took these shots, had rented some lighting equipment the other night and wanted to practice taking photos with different subjects. i was recruited. i think she did such a great job in capturing my inner bitch, don't you think?

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in other news, i need to catch up on my christmas cabinet postings. here are the last few days' gifts:

gift no. 13 was a chocolate christmas tree. the christmas memory read, "eating christmas dinner together and enjoying all the wonderful ethnic slovak food!"

gotta love slovak food: halusky (small dumplings with potato and cheese) and pirohy (a kind of italian ravioli stuffed with cheese and potato). funny names; fabulous eating!

gift no. 14 was a hard rock candy lollipop. the christmas memory read, "hard rock candy (clear) lollipops in the shape of animals, praying hands, a boot..."

the rock candy lollipops were one of my favorite things to get at christmas as a kid. they still are. to this day, i don't know why it seems that they only show up for sale around this time of year. i never see them out any other time. they were a true christmas treat. and the shapes that they came in were hysterical.

posted by lonestarsteve on thu 14.12.06 7:15 AM

not much time to post. running late for work (shocker!)

i'm making up for missing yesterday's christmas cabinet gift unveiling -- sorry dan & jill.

behind door no. 11 yesterday was a a gertrude hawk peanut butter chocolate candy and the christmas memory strip read, "six words: go tell it on the mountain!"

this memory harkens back to the memory strip inside door no. 1 (see l.s.s., 01.12.06). my mom has quite the collection of christmas albums. and we as kids would wear them out -- and it didn't even have to be christmastime, really. this one song on this one album, "go tell it on the mountain," was a particular favorite. the way my brothers and i jumped around and cried out during its playing, you'd think we were in a baptist church and were feeling jesus move right through us. christ.

behind today's door, door no. 12, was an abominable snow monster of the north (a.k.a. "bumble") jingle bell key chain based on the character from from the rankin/bass special rudolph the red-nosed reindeer. the christmas memory strip reads, "rudolph, the grinch, frosty, little drummer boy, and all the other wonderful 'claymation' rankin/bass t.v. productions!"

back when i was a kid, believe it or not, you couldn't just go out and buy or rent the christmas t.v. specials on dvd. back then, anxious children actually had to wait until the television stations ran the specials every year. rudolph was one of our favorites as kids, to be sure.

in that special, the bumble pursues rudolf and hermie -- a misfit elf who just wants to be a dentist -- throughout their adventures of meeting yukon cornelius and the misfit toys and saving christmas as we know it.

bumble is shown here post-tooth extraction. after threatening rudolph and his family in a cave, yukon and hermie come to the rescue by knocking the moster unconscious and extracting all his teeth. what a weird christmas special. honestly.

posted by lonestarsteve on tue 12.12.06 8:03 AM

pretty dull and dreary day. it's drizzling outside and semi-cold. and very quiet. everyone must be indoors today. or shopping. or screwing.

me? i'm just indoors. trying to catch up with some housecleaning before the holidays. it seems like every sunday i'm cleaning something in this place of mine. it's because i'm such a pack-fag.

for example, today i threw out a trash bag filled with -- and i'm not even joking here -- 50 lbs. of catalogues. i know this because i weighed the bag before schlepping it out to the dumpster. that, my friends, is way, way too many catalogues for one to have in one's home -- even for a queen, albeit a stylish and trendy one.

in other news, behind christmas cabinet door no. 10 was a gertrude hawk peanut butter chocolate candy shaped like a christmas tree. the christmas memory strip read, "the year mom and dad (santa) got the family a killer stereo system and had to hide it next door at 'yeah's.'"

makes no sense to you, does it? well, one year, probably back when i was 10 or 11, my parents splerged and bought a gorgeous -- and much-needed -- stereo system for the whole family. my parents still own it, in fact.

but back then, in order for it to remain a secret gift, my parents enlisted the assistance of our neighbor, "foozie," to hide the system at his house. the reference to him as "yeah" in the memory above is because whenever he called our house to speak with my father, which was really often, all he would say was, "yeah!" when we answered the phone. no more words were needed. we would simply hand the phone to our dad and say, "it's foozie."

separately, i was watching public access t.v. last night and they were doing a membership drive. one of the "gifts" for donating "x" amount of money was a dvd set of the electric company, which i watched as a kid. i totally remember this song and cartoon. it's the ly song. do you remember it? it probably is why i can use adverbs with such aplomb. trust!

posted by lonestarsteve on sun 10.12.06 12:41 PM

i thought there would be more time to post today, but before saturday gets away from me, i must, i must, i must finish my christmas shopping. i only have a few more things to get, but i need to get them now before my trip to pennsyltucky on the 19th.

double christmas cabinet entry today. on friday, door no. 8 revealed [yet another] chocolate ornament. the christmas memory read, "the pain and frustration (i mean joy!) of helping dad put up the christmas tree."

this memory is true enough. there were times when i was a kid that i thought my parents would divorce over putting up that tree. my mom, telling my dad to move the tree this way and that, and my dad, with sappy fingers and needle-punctured hands, telling my mom where he was going to stick the tree next. ahh, the joys of christmas!

behind door no. 9 was ... everyone together now ... a chocolate ornament! but there was also a pin-on button that says, "i was a gay cowboy long before it got trendy." that is very, very true. lonestarsteve was officially launched in april 2004, which was long, long before brokeback mountain (the movie) even went into production. trust!

the christmas memory strip read, "the years when we got snow for the holidays ... sledding, building snow forts, and staying out in the sub-20 degree weather until way past dark ..." when we were kids, we were impervious to the cold temperatures outside. god how things change. nowadays, when the temperature gets below 50 degrees, i feel like i'm freezing to death. the last thing i would want to do is roll around in the slushy snow. honestly.

posted by lonestarsteve on sat 09.12.06 9:53 AM

first thing's first. happy hnt to you all!

this shot was taken a few months ago. i don't know why i like it. i look sort of angry, but i assure you i'm not. i'm also not half-nekkid in the photo; i'm completely so.

lately, i've been losing some weight. not really trying to, but i am. so maybe future hnt photo will show even more of the bod'. i am so self-conscious as of late. then again, even when i had what i considered a decent body -- way, way back when -- i felt like it was lacking. very, very poor body image, us queens have. it's a real shame.

it could be worse, i suppose. i could be a woman in today's society. then i would have to compare myself with the lindsay lohans of the world. just hand me that razor blade, please.

in other news, behind today's christmas cabinet door was yet another chocolate ornament and a magnetic bookmark.

today's christmas memory: "eating at the 'kids table' on the porch at bubba and czedo's."

bubba and czedo were my maternal grandparents, who lived in western pennsyltucky. when we were kids, during christmas, we would travel across the state to visit them and usually get to see some extended family members: cousins, aunts, uncles, etc.

when it was time to eat, the adults sat in the kitchen at the main table and us kids were banished to the make-shift dining table arranged on the back porch.

it wasn't such a bad gig, except for the temperature of the room. you see, regardless of the weather outside, my grandfather would keep his house at a balmy 95 degrees, so if it was wintertime and snowing outside, we would open the back porch door to let the cool air in. i don't think that sat too well with him, but we did it anyway.

thanks, dan and jill, for yet another christmas memory.

posted by lonestarsteve on thu 07.12.06 7:44 AM

today's christmas cabinet door revealed a chocolate snowman ornament. how much more chocolate is in lonestarsteve's christmas cabinet? am i going to have to double my workouts throughout the holidays?

[note to self :: one would have to actually be going to the gym to work out in order to double one's time at the gym. silly queen.]

the slip of paper with the christmas memory read, "not being able to fall asleep on christmas eve..." true, that.

thanks, dan and jill. keep 'em comin'.

in other news, i wanted to thank mark for dinner last night. the conversation was much-needed. the topic? what else: men. dating. losers. winners. relationships.

this is what i walked away with: i'm undershooting. that is to say, the guys that i tend to be attracted to are not of the calibre that i should be dating. that's not intended to sound as snobbish as it does. it's just that when two people get together, there should be some give-and-take. every relationship -- romantic and otherwise -- has give-and-take. but when the give from one is overpowered by the take of another, it's a white hot mess. no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

so, where and how does one meet a man of high calibre? duh. if i knew that, wouldn't i already be in a rewarding and satisfying relationship?

your thoughts?

posted by lonestarsteve on wed 06.12.06 7:49 AM

behind today's christmas cabinet door no. 5: a gertrude hawk dark chocolate raspberry candy shaped like a christmas tree. i'm eating it for breakfast with my jamaican coffee.

[note to family: when you see me on the 19th, i will be 10 lbs. heavier, from all the chocolate, just so you know.]

the christmas memory strip reads, "gathering at the top of the stairs at 4:30 a.m. and having greg [my younger brother] go down for a reconnaissance mission of what may be under the tree."

this is totally true. it's a wonder my mom and dad got any sleep whatsoever on christmas eve with three rambunctious boys not wanting to go to sleep in the first place, and then not wanting to wait until a decent hour of the morning to see what santa left for them.

my younger brother and i shared a room as kids, so we would talk and talk together about what we might have heard downstairs during the night. "was that bells i just heard?" and "did you hear footsteps?" and "do you think he ate those cookies?"

when we could stand it no longer, we would meet in my older brother's room at the top of the stairs and, like a well-trained army platoon, discuss our course of action. this was usually to send my younger brother to the tree itself ("ground zero") and report back on what names he spied on what packages. sometimes the mission would be even more dangerous: "get our stockings!" my older brother would order. "i can't. you're asking too much of me," greg would say. "i'll go with him. as backup," i offered.

we considered our stockings fair game so early on a christmas morning. after all, they weren't really gifts; they weren't wrapped like gifts. the problem was that each of our stockings had these damn jingle bells sewn to them, making it next to impossible to retrieve them from under the tree and carry them back upstairs without making any noise. the jig would be up, and my parents' bedroom door would usually open at this point and scurrying kids would ensue.

such a trip, being a kid at christmas. was it the same everywhere?

posted by lonestarsteve on tue 05.12.06 6:48 AM

although the weekend went by as quickly as it came, i must say that it's been quite an eye-opener. nothing particularly earth-shattering happened -- the more things change, the more they stay the same -- but i did come to realize that when it comes to my life, something's missing. lacking. absent. and my job here on earth is to find out what it is. and hopefully, get it.

my thoughts all started changing when i received a call from a friend (a massage therapist) to say that he had an opening that day to give me a massage. god, did i need it, too. so i lit some candles, burned some incense, and waited for his incredible hands and table to show up on my doorstep.

afterwards, we ended up going out for a quick bite to eat. and without getting too much into what we talked about in this post, he made me realize that i just need to keep searching, you know? this january i will reach the milestone of 4 years clean and sober, and it all ties into the search. with sobriety comes clarity, you know? and a.a. has been a great tool for obtaining some of this clarity, but i just know in my heart of heats that it's not the complete package.

so here's to searching. seeking. expanding. growing.

separately, today's christmas cabinet gift was a bag of sweet and mellow jamaican blue moutain coffee. yummers! can't wait to brew a pot tomorrow a.m. the christmas memory read, "kilby doing the exact same thing ... then puking on the rug!" i'm sure this refers to my parents' cat, kilby, who is this old, gray barn cat. kilby eats stuff -- such as tinsel and string and ribbon -- and then proceeds to regurgitate it throughout the house. fun stuff. good times.

thanks, dan and jill, for my coffee!!

posted by lonestarsteve on mon 04.12.06 7:42 AM

i missed posting yesterday because it was such a whirlwind of activities for me. but i want to make up for it today.

as for the christmas cabinet chronicles, door no. 2 revealed a pin-on button that says, "internet celebrity," which couldn't be more true for me. because i am.

the slip of paper that accompanied the button read, "stringing popcorn and cranberries for the tree."

this i remember well. my mom aways insisted on decorating the tree with "traditional" and "old-fashioned" ornaments and garland, and the popcorn and cranberry strings were a perfect enhancement to this theme.

of course, when i called my mom yesterday to tell her about gift no. 2 and to tell her that dan and jill had been including slips of paper with christmas memories on them in with each gift, she was touched.

"what a wonderful idea," she said. but, in the same breath, she retorted, "but you guys never strung the cranberries and popcorn. you always left that for me to do."

it would seem that some christmas memories are better left, um, unremembered.

door no. 3 revealed a gertrude hawk milk chocolate nut fudge candy shaped like a christmas tree. (i'm eating it now with my coffee. so freakin' good).

the slip of paper reads, "yogie absolutely ripping up anything that resembled holiday wrapping paper..." yogie, my younger brother's dog, will eat anything that isn't tied down or painted. in fact, when opening gifts, he has to be sequestered in some other area of the house. poor yogie.

thanks again, dan and jill, for my no. 2 and no. 3 gifts and for the memory strips. mom was right. it was a wonderful idea to include these with each gift.

happy sunday to all, and to all a good night.

posted by lonestarsteve on sun 03.12.06 10:10 AM

door no. 1 revealed a cat toy for badger. along with the toy was a strip of paper with a christmas memory on it from my childhood.

it says, "mom playing all of her christmas records right after thanksgiving ... little drummer boy ... ray coniff singers ..." and that's a true memory for sure. my brothers and i wore that record out!

the cat toy is really cool. it flashes when you bounce it. it looks like a sputnik with all these points. i gave it to badger and she played with it initially, then must have thought it was poop, because she tried to bury it. what does she know ...

thanks dan and jill for the wonderful toy and the wonderful memory!!

posted by lonestarsteve on fri 01.12.06 8:41 AM