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 she's
actually getting on the plane. i can't even describe in words what
her trip here means to me. i've been floundering lately, and she
has always grounded me. made me feel safe, and connected. we have
a long history together, she and i -- going on 30 years -- and she
has always been there for me. and i've tried hard to always be there
for her.
i can remember when we made the "brilliant" decision to
up and move together from pennsyltucky to key west, florida. we
made our decision to move based on a week-long vacation that i took
there. somehow i convinced her that the keys would open new opportunities
for us. needless to say, all it did was drain our bank accounts
and plunge me deeper into my depression and addiction.
then we decided to give atlanta a try. i lasted a year before meeting
my ex and moving to houston. beck has been in atlanta ever since,
making her way, day by day. i miss that freedom, but that city has
a lot of old ghosts for me. dangerous ones. i'm better off staying
put for now.
but i'm still glad that we did all that, while we were young. the
ties that bind us together have been challenged time and time again.
people have tried to break us apart, but somehow we always find
each other again. she's my sista, and there ain't nothin' goin'
to bring us down, right beck?
miss celie's blues
sister, you've been on my mind
sister, we're two of a kind
so sister, i'm keepin' my eyes on you
i betcha think i don't know nothin'
but singin' the blues
oh sister, have i got news for you
i'm somethin'
i hope you think that you're somethin' too
scufflin', i been up that lomesone road
And i seen a lot of suns goin' down
oh, but trust me
now low life's gonna run me around
so let me tell you somethin' sister
remember your name
no twister, gonna steal your stuff away
my sister
sho' ain't got a whole lot of time
so shake you shimmy,
sister
'cause honey the shug is feelin' fine
posted by lonestarsteve
on fri 18.02.05 7:36 AM
breaking out of my funk. just needed some socialization.
some identification. some verification. and some revitalization.
i have a 4-day weekend coming up. i'll be hostessing my best friend's
visit. he's flying in from atlanta friday morning. he hasn't been
to houston in, like, 5 years or something like that. i can't wait
to see him. we're going to be having us some fun, to be sure. we've
been friends since our childhood days growing up in pennsyltucky.
(photos are sure to follow...)
in other news, i have to tell you that this last break-up really
threw me a serious curve ball. i half-promised myself that i wouldn't
mention anything about it here, but it has consumed my thoughts
for the last few weeks.
because of it, my trust in people -- especially those i chose to
date -- is damaged. not that i won't ever trust anyone ever again,
but it's going to take a while before i open myself up to someone
again. but that, kids, is what we call dating, and loving, and life.
lesson after lesson, until we get it "right." but, do
we ever get it right? (sorry. starting to sound like i'm channeling
carrie
bradshaw there).
and the saga continues...
posted by lonestarsteve on wed 16.02.05
7:44 AM
 back
from a little hiatus, a mental one. no writing, no social interaction,
no talking on the phone. nothing but bad food, lying on the sofa,
and watching cable t.v. feeling sorry for myself mostly. have i
sprung from it? perhaps. should i adjust my meds? definitely. am
i going crazy? well, that would be a short trip.
with valentine's day now behind us all (was it the longest day in
the world, or what?), i thought that the inward, sinking feeling
i was experiencing was due to the fact that i was alone. but then
i realized that i only need a new scent.
below are the 8 colognes i wear on a semi-regular basis, in no particular
order. i need a new smell. any suggestions?
   
   
 not
wanting to sound too jaded here, but since valentine's day is coming
up next monday, and since i'll now be spending that day alone
newly single, i thought i would interject a guest blog so that i
wouldn't appear to be too bitter during a time when love is in the
air -- can't you just smell it (or is that just a crossbreeze from
pasadena)?
instead of writing myself, i have asked my best friend, beck, to
pen a post for me. beck lives in atlanta, which is known for its
brotherly love, right beck?
anywho, here it is. and thanks, beck, for your contribution. enjoy,
everyone. and, beck: "bitter, party for one, your table is
now ready."
beck writes: i had blocked out forgotten the holiday
that comes next monday until a radio ad reminded me by announcing
some valentine's day "lovers special." the ad described
some ridiculously discounted rate for couples (or what i think is
they're charging extra for attending single). it's probably, like,
illegal or discriminatory to actually ban singles from an event.
but anyway, now I know it's coming, so maybe that puts me at step
2: therapeutically writing about it. or maybe step 2 is planning
a carrie-like plot twist at your nearest v-day bash. no, that would
be wrong.
so i've decided to describe this year's ideal v-day, from soup to
nuts.
ok. i wake up late and a bit groggy from the pill i took to put
me out the night before. i already figured a forced sleep throughout
the entire day would inevitable yield a succession of bad dreams
where i would become, all of a sudden, a bitter-hearted columnist.
no comments, please.
so first thing i do is take all the horoscopes out of my sunday
paper from the day before and burn them. (simply ripping them up
and throwing them away leaves somewhat of a loose end. at a weak
moment later in the day i could end up scotch-taping the shreds
together, so it's best burn any temptations).
next -- and this is the only day i'll do this -- i use my tv's parental-block
feature to block certain "risky" cable stations for the
day. like we, lifetime, you know, so now i can channel surf
without risk of falling into a lifetime marathon or something
(that wouldn't be pretty; like emotional quicksand, right?)
then the radio stations. the same thing could happen with a station
having like a "commercial-free, quiet storm."
so that would bring me to my daytime home project. i'd make a "dirty
valentine's" scrapbook (ok maybe not the healthiest thing to
do.) in this case,"dirty" does not imply sexual in nature.
it means tainted! the dirty valentine's scrapbook chronologically
logs paper trail evidence of past relationships, crushes, and even
the ones never spoken to -- the fantasy ones. it would have business
cards and matchbooks. it will have torn photographs, special occasion
greeting cards, unused theater tickets (since arguing seems to entertain
me more), and, yes, even the trick phone numbers you found in his
coat pocket. basically any flatennable keepsake reminders, 'cause
they linger and taunt you like a dirty family secret.
so, the purpose of this exercise is to stop living in the past and
live for the present. because once made, dirty valentine'sgets stored
away, whereas before it's contents were just wantonly strewn about
my apartment, like those hot, red police flares burning in the road
for rarely good reason. they'd leap out at me everywhere i'd turn.
no more.
this leads me to dinner, which would be eaten while standing up.
if it's on a plate, it will not resemble a normal meal -- like a
"meat & 3" -- and the room i stand and eat in must
be very well-lit. you see, even a small deviation from this plan,
and i'll end up sitting at my table for two with a candle lit eating
probably a ms. swanson frozen dinner...from that sectioned container
it comes in with that little piping-hot cranapple cobbler, which
if eaten too quickly can cause a mcdonalds-coffee-type burn.
after eating, it's me on the sofa with a special vhs movie selection.
the movies must conform to these 2 rules: 1) comedy only (occasionally
a dramady can sub, but never a romantic comedy) and 2) neither the
plot nor the subplot can contain a romantic relationship. (casual
sex can sometimes pass as long as there's no kissing or breakfast
involved (notice that i conveniently leave the door open for porn.)
so, lay back and start watching your movies and before you know
it, it will be february 15th.
posted by lonestarsteve after
beck on tue 08.02.05 11:33 PM
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