30.06.04 :: home again, home again, jiggidy jig

i'm heading out of town. the next time i'll get to blog will be july 5. i'm going to visit my family in pennsylvania and to help celebrate my parents' 40th wedding anniversary. i'm looking forward to it. it's a surprise to them that my brothers and i are throwing this party. lots of people, friends and family.

have a safe and happy 4th of july, ya'll. see ya.

posted by lonestarsteve on wed 30.06.04 10:58 PM

houston's pride parade last night was pretty decent. i've been to a lot of parades and this one wasn't one of the best, but it was pretty good for our fair (and very gay) city.

i didn't get to see jai from queer eye from the straight guy, who was supposedly in town, but then again, i arrived a little late and might have missed him on one of the earlier floats.

i think that my friends had fun, though. see for yourself. of course, we had to park about a mile from the parade route, so the walk was a long one. i kept thinking that my car would be towed. but it wasn't.

robin walking
robin walking more
again, robin walking
robin arrives
brad & steve
brandon & cisco
michael & mark
michael, mark, brandon & brad
robin & steve
hot guy on cool float

posted by lonestarsteve on sun 27.06.04 11:43 AM

gay pride is in full swing here in houston. or so i'm told. i won't be involved in much of it until this evening, when i attend the parade. that's right, houston holds its parade at night to save partygoers from passing out in the hot houston sun. instead, they can pass out, relatively unobserved, in the secret cover of night. pretty romantic, i know.

but I did want to wish all my gay brethren a happy pride, including those celebrating in other cities that i have lived in.

i had a great evening last night. went out to dinner with about a dozen friends and cut up on all kinds of stuff. i'm very fortunate to have a group of people -- a support group -- that understands what it means to be real, and honest. but most of all, to laugh both at ourselves and at the dizzy queens who entertain us all around the city.

happy pride, ya'll. trust!

posted by lonestarsteve on sat 26.06.04 10:11 AM

my dad and i have been through our fair share of trials and tribulations over the years to be sure. in my late teens and early twenties, i was extremely rebellious against him and his idea of what a "son" should be and what a "man" should be. i wasn't like his other two other sons: i didn't play football, i didn't like to date girls, i didn't hunt or fish. i was in fact the complete and total opposite of his ideal.

things definitely changed in our relationship when i came out to my mom and dad when i was 19. it was almost as though those standards for what a son should be were lowered several notches. after all, what would i ever amount to in life? i was gay, and people would treat me differently, and i would live a lonely life, and die -- young and alone -- of some god-awful disease someday. it would be best to sweep the news about my penchant for sleeping with guys under the proverbial carpet and pretend it didn't exist. but denial, my friends, ain't just a river in egypt.

i don't remember just when or how it happened, but thankfully today i have a newfound appreciation for my dad, and i think that he shares the same feelings for me. over the years, we've found a way to meet at a common ground of sorts. we've realized that we differ from each other, but that despite this fact, we can mutually respect one another's positions. and love grows from there.

now in my thirties, i've come to realize that my dad was, and remains, always there for me. even through my formidable years, he was there for me as a provider, a pillar of support, and an illustration of strong character and decency. i truly love my dad, and will always think of him in these terms.

happy father's day, pop. you're one of the best there is.

posted by lonestarsteve on sun 20.06.04 11:03 AM

i woke up today thinking about all i'd accomplished in my apartment since moving in last march. here only a little more than a year, and yet it feels like my home. my retreat. my refuge. i'm pretty damned proud of that fact, too. things for me could have gone such a different route, but i stuck it out and have made it on my own. of course, i had lots and lots of help along the way, but for the most part i feel that i've grown stronger from the experience.

for example, even though i only rent my place, i have this compulsion to make my interior surroundings as comfortable as possible. i paint, i buy shit to hang everywhere. i think, i plan, i accomplish. my bathroom is a good example, as these before and after photos illustrate.

maybe i'm in the wrong line of work? maybe i should consider taking some design classes? but the thought of being a thirtysomething student among those who are young enough to be my children makes me cringe.

send me a sign. i'm waiting for a sign. i need to know what to do...

posted by lonestarsteve on sat 19.06.04 10:19 AM

well, kids, not much going on right now. really. and i know that it's sacrilege to write about not having anything to write about. So, how 'bout a little story to sum up what my day was like? sound good? i knew you'd like that idea.

i'm stepping onto the elevator at work on the tenth floor to go downstairs for a much-needed cigarette break. while starting to step through the opened doors, i'm rammed by a woman who is trying to step off the elevator at the same time. she then backs up, steps aside, and mumbles something to herself, like, "this isn't my floor." after the doors close, she begins to collect herself again, as her mistake obviously embarrassed her. we're alone on the elevator, standing side by side, and the elevator begins its descent. she then turns to me and says, "once those doors open, if i'm not paying attention, i just wander off through them without even thinking."

i mutter something like, "ummmm." then she adds, "i guess you could say i'm kind of just like padlock's dog!"

please send backup. i'm surrounded by idiots.

posted by lonestarsteve on tue 15.06.04 10:33 PM

i received a call a few days ago from an acquaintance of mine asking to borrow some money and to put him up for a few days until he was able to get into this rehab program. after thinking it over -- and after making numerous calls to other friends for their advise about what to do -- i told the guy that i was going to have to decline on both of his requests. sounds like a hard line to take, doesn't it? not helping out someone in need? what a bad person, me. well, here's what i considered before calling him back to give him my answer:

1. in the last 2-3 months, he had been on more than a few drug binges, during which time he spent all his money. that money, now gone, would have been the same money that he could have used now, when he needed it most, to buy gas for his car and food for his stomach.

2. if i were to loan him money, even the $40-50 that he was asking for, then i would be the first in line the next time his financial situation turned south. plus, i have already been down the "loan-some-money-to-a-friend" road, countless times. it just doesn't work. it brings on nothing but bad feelings. believe me, you don't want to owe someone money and then be seen by them spending it on something like a new pair of shoes or even something as seemingly insignificant as a $4 cafe latte.

3. i think that in this person's case, a lesson has to be learned the hard way. he has to realize that each decision he makes in life has certain consequences. why doesn't he have money for gas for his car? well, it was spent on drugs. why doesn't he have a job? he was fired because of drug use. plain and simple.

addiction is a bitch. it really is. i see those around me struggling with it every day, present company included. i don't know what the solution is other than to take it a day at a time and ask for help. that's all you can really do.

in the case of this individual, i would help him in any other way possible. i would be there for him to talk to, to have coffee with, to drive him somewhere that he needed to go. but, i draw the line at helping in a way that would enable him to make the same bad decisions he's made in the past. what would be learned then? quite frankly, nothing.

posted by lonestarsteve on fri 11.06.04 8:17 AM

i went out to dinner last night with my ex and a mutual friend of ours. of course, in passing conversation, i refer to him as my "ex," but in the year-and-a-half that we've been split, we've become closer friends that i would have ever imagined. in fact, he's the closest thing i have to family living in houston.

i guess in this day and age, remaining close with one's ex isn't all that common. but in my case, i'm glad that it's so. we share so much more with each other now than we ever did when we were a couple. and for that, i'm most thankful. we bitch about our jobs and about relationships. we talk about what being single means to each of us and how it's changed our lives and how it continues to color our perception of what it means to share a life with another human being.

i was with my ex for a little less than 8 years. and despite the fact that we went our separate ways, i will always hold a place in my heart for his kindness, his sense of humor, his intelligence, and his friendship. he taught me more about life than he'll ever know. and, most of all, he's a good man -- one of the last of a dying breed, in my opinion.

posted by lonestarsteve on wed 09.06.04 7:44 AM

for those of you who don't know, over the course of the last year and a half, i had chunked on 20-plus lbs., which left me feeling absolutely miserable about myself.

last january i made some positive changes in my life, but taking better care of my body and eating well was not one of them. i simply gave up on caring about my appearance. and i stopped working out. and i ate...whenever and whatever possible.

when at restaurants, i no longer shunned the decadent feduccini alfredo; i ordered 2 helpings instead. i'd taken to eating a midmoring snack of a half dozen chocolate-covered mini-donuts with my coffee. i had ice cream almost every night after dinner, then before bed, then when i couldn't sleep. and on, and on, and on. it got to the point where i couldn't tuck any of my shirts into my pants for fear of hearing, "when are you due?" uttered by strange passers-by.

maybe i'm exaggerating a little bit, but the truth be told: i was not happy. so, since i wasn't working out (and wasn't really in the mood to start doing so, either), i took a good look at my diet. i cut out bread, i cut out sugar, and i cut out desserts of all sorts. i ate a lot of chicken and steak (for protein) and drank soy milk, and lots of broccoli. and, i'm pleased to report, that after about a month and a half of watching what i've eaten, i've taken off those extra 20 lbs. and am working on my last 5 lbs. and i feel so much better for it, too.

so, hopefully sometime in the near future, i'm planning to hit the gym again. there will be more later on my progress, but i just thought i'd throw that out there. that when you set your mind to doing something, it can be done.

praise splenda!

posted by lonestarsteve on sat 05.06.04 6:44 PM

here she comes, from down under...

in other news, i've got some (not all) of my "links" up and running. please check it out and get to know those fellow bloggers who have influenced me the most over the years to start up a blog of my own. my "gallery" is still in the works, and i'm working on something special for my "about" link as well. check back often. it shouldn't be long now (he said).

just 3 more days of work this week, then the weekend. it was nice having 5 days off. a lot of "me" time and some good time with friends as well. i highly recommend taking a "vacation at home" if you can afford to do so.

plans for this weekend include continuing to work on my tanline.

posted by lonestarsteve on wed 02.06.04 7:00 AM

summertime is in absolute full swing (it is in houston, anyway). and even though i know it's way too early in the season to start complaining about the weather, it has been hotter than hell this week. i mean, it has been getting up to the mid-90s during the day, and then at night, it cools down to a chilly 85 degrees! there's been no relief whatsoever. no rain, no cool breezes, nothing.

but that's not what i really wanted to write about today. i wanted to say that june is gay pride month in many cities in the u.s. and around the globe. over the course of my career as a gay man, i have been to pride celebrations in many cities: new york, philadelphia, atlanta and houston, to name a few. (incidentally, i came across a pride event calendar for those of you planning to jet-set around the world to celebrate in multiple cities).

pride used to mean a great deal to me. i loved being among my peeps, sharing in their joy to just "be" for the day. to not have fear while walking along the parade route, holding hands with your same-sexed significant other at the time. to not have hesitation while kissing him right out in the open. it feels great to act as though you have the same "rights" for public displays of affection that any run-of-the-mill, more socially-accepted straight couple would have.

now, however, even though pride holds a significant place in my heart, i don't feel the personal need to be as "visually present" as i once did. call it age, call it life experiences, but i don't know if i will be attending many pride events here at the end of the month. that could change, of course. but i'm going to have to play it by ear.

that doesn't change my message to my community, however: be proud of who you are. celebrate this month however you see fit. get married to your partner. go to the parade and after-events. be with your friends and loved ones. have fun. be happy. be as gay as you can be, gurl.

posted by lonestarsteve on tue 01.06.04 9:46 AM