30.05.04 :: rode hard & put up wet

i think that the bitter spell has ended...for now. my mood changed last night after coming across this common streetwalker. she was pausing a moment deep within the bowels of a parking garage to adjust her stocking and enjoy a much-deserved cigarette. she -- i was to find out later that they called her sally -- appeared as though she had had a long evening-in-waiting, so i spoke to her briefly.

lonestarsteve :: that dress looks new. where did you get that?
sally :: do you really want to know?
l.s.s. :: not really, but you seem upset. can i help you in any way?
sally :: you can get niko off my case. he's such a slave driver, and i've had it for the night. plus, i'm out of lipgloss and my back is killing me.
l.s.s. :: pardon my observation, but you look so tired. [what i really meant by that is that sally appeared to have been ridden hard that night, and put up wet.]
sally :: i am. and i'm sick of living this way. hand-to-mouth, if you'll pardon the pun.
l.s.s. :: i guess there could be worse things in life. you could have a run in your hose as well.
sally :: [laughing deep] kid, if i had a run in my hose, i wouldn't even be out in this shithole. life is what you make it, you know? don't settle for the ordinary, when you can be extraordinary, and all that crap.

i left sally, standing there, finishing her smoke. our brief encounter made me think about people, life, and all that crap. it also made me think of that song by sade from diamond life. i sang the ditty under my breath while walking back to my car:

sally, you opened out your arms to all those young men.
and girl you had room,
for every one of them.

you're the only girl.
who are the only girl on barry and third
sure as hell,
you're the only one who cares.

so put your hands together for sally.
she saved all those young men.
put your hands together for sally.
she the one who cared for them.

she's doing our dirty work.
she's the only one who can.
doing our dirty work, thirsty world,
one angry day in new york...

posted by lonestarsteve on sun 30.05.04 11:20 AM

that's it. i'm going on a fast. i'm not talking food, my dears. i'm talking men. at least the ones that are bound to break my heart. i just can't take the pain. not again and again.

i used to think that getting all caught up into someone makes the relationship worth it. it's stronger. it's powerful. it will last.

well, all that is bullshit. caring that deeply about someone will only make it hurt that much more once it's over. and you tell yourself, "never again, never again." then, being the stupid bitch that you are, you find yourself all twisted over the next one. and somehow you convince yourself that this one will be different. this one will be strong. this one will be powerful. this one will last.

but it isn't. and it's weak. and it doesn't.

and that, my friends, truly sucks balls.

so, send me some love if you can spare it. i could really use the support right now.

posted by lonestarsteve on wed 26.05.04 10:51 PM

since summertime will be officially "on" in the next few days, i found myself thinking about past vacations. one of the best vacations i remember taking was when my ex and i went to hawaii a few years back. talk about not wanting to leave anywhere. it was absolutely incredible, and i would like to return sometime in the very near future (when i have a spare $2000 to blow, that is).

the thing that got me most upset when thinking about traveling this summer is this: i don't have any plans to go anywhere. real bummer. i just don't see having the time or money to lavish myself in something i would consider an extravagance of the most blatant kind.

sure, i could drive the hour it takes to reach galveston and sit on the brown beach staring into the brown, lapping water, or i could hop a cheap flight to cozumel and spend my days shopping for trinkets made in miami, but those kinds of trips get old fast.

so, i'm asking you: where are you headed this summer? i really want to know. allow me to live vicariously through your adventures hither and thither. indulge me, please, and i'll be forever indebted to you.

posted by lonestarsteve on tue 25.05.04 7:58 AM

the weekend went by too quickly, as expected. the only thing i'm holding onto now is working for 4 days, then having 5 entire, glorious days off. i was supposed to be heading to dallas this coming weekend (memorial day weekend), but i've decided to shelve the trip and just spend some time in town, doing whatever the fuck i want to, or don't want to for that matter. should be good for me.

in other news, i've been doing a lot of thinking lately about just where i am in this crazy world of ours. am i doing what i'm supposed to be doing? am i improving with each passing day? am i a good person? will i ever win the lottery? you know, serious questions. what i've decided is that it's not our place to know the answers to these questions. despite what we are told about not concerning ourselves with what others might think about us, once you're gone from this earth, it will be "those people" who carry on your memory: the good, the bad, and the bitchy. so, be kind to one another, people. treasure those friends and family members, for they are the only ones who will be there for you in life, and they will be the same ones to tell tall tales about you once you're dead.

happy thoughts, these. perfect for a monday morning. (i think i overdid the chlorine dip yesterday afternoon; must have soaked into my cells, perhaps doing some permanent, irreversible damage.)

here's to making it through another monday...such joy, such bliss.

lonestarsteve to his boss :: sorry that i couldn't shave this morning. there was a pussy caught in my sink.
boss to lonestarsteve :: i just hate it when that happens.

posted by lonestarsteve on mon 24.05.04 7:28 AM

feeling better today. probably that i slept pretty well last night. and that today is friday. and that i have no obligations of any kind this weekend. well, there is one. a pool party on sunday. should be fun. i really like the guys that will be there. i told the hostess of the fete that every good gay get-together needs at least one token "fat girl" that all the other skinny bitches can talk about behind her back and say, "do you think that her problem is glandular?"

[note to self: get better body image, or stop hanging around so many twentysomethings.]

happy friday, ya'll. have a blast this weekend, but take some time out for yourself.

posted by lonestarsteve on fri 21.05.04 8:01 AM

i got an e-mail from barbra streisand (yes, from babs herself) inviting me to a live charity auction to be held saturday, june 5, in los angeles. the event -- entitled "her name is barbra" -- is to benefit the streisand foundation, which is an organization that contributes to humanitarian and environmental causes supported by ms. streisand herself.

More than 400 "collector and museum quality" items from barbra's long-ass career will be offered up for bid. the auction also will be simultaneously presented worldwide for bidding online.

you go, babs! sell that old shit! i think it might actually be worth the cost of the flight out to california just to bid on this little number, which she wore in the owl and the pussycat. currently, she's asking $6,000. that would buy a lot of fake nails and polish, but just think of the reaction i'd get in the bedroom. me-ow!

then again, i might just catch the auction online. i'm not a huge fan of barbra's. don't get me wrong, i think she's a talented performer (as well as a demanding perfectionist) and i also like her politics and humor. but i just know that some goofy barbra-crazed queen is going to max out her credit card and walk away with this little frock. well, more power to her. at least she'll be looking all fly at the gay bars during halloween. in fact, she'll look...well...just like butter.

and that's ok.

posted by lonestarsteve on thu 20.05.04 10:32 PM

i'm starting to change again. i can just feel it. not like, "i'm-moving-to-sweeden-and-will-be-back-in-6-months-a-new-'man'" change, but definitely something.

it's the kind of change that makes you want to crawl out of your skin until it's complete. you don't want to be present. you don't want to go through it...yet again.

i'm staying on top of my bills, but late to work. i'm not watching as much television, but reading even less. i'm smoking a lot. i'm not getting good sleep. i'm overthinking everything. i'm talking to my friends and family less often. isolating. i don't want them to have to experience firsthand what's happening to me. i just want them to witness the final product, not have go through the painful alteration process.

maybe it's the conflict in iraq. maybe it's getting older. maybe it's being frustrated at my job. who knows. you never know until the change is well over.

i know that i'll be okay, however. i've been through this before. change is usually painful and always uncomfortable. without it, we'd be the same forever. it's not that i don't welcome it, in other words, i just wish there was an easier way through it. but there's not. that much i know is true.

so, here's to knowing me now, because i might not be exactly the same tomorrow.

posted by lonestarsteve on tue 18.05.04 6:56 AM

mondays really suck sometimes. especially when the 48 hours of your weenend feel as though they flew by, which is usually the case in my experience. as far as work is concerned, mondays are all about making it to the end of the work day. at my workplace, no one's in the mood to talk usually and you can just tell that everyone would rather be anywhere else but there. what helps me get through the day is realizing that i'm not the only one feeling what i'm feeling, you know? everyone's in the same frame of mind.

i did manage to get out this weekend for brunch. one of my favorite places to eat in the montrose. there's more to be said, but this one has got to shower and suit up for work.

did i mention that i hate mondays?

posted by lonestarsteve on mon 17.05.04 7:48 AM

for those of you that have linked to this site from my new friend and fellow blogger, kenny, welcome. i do have to apologize, however. i started posting entries way before getting this site up to snuff. but, i make you this promise: keep coming back, and the site will get better and better over time.

and, kenny, your blog rules (although kurt's is fabulous as well. right, kurt?) i'm flattered by you both. after all, you girls got me into this mess. now i can't stop.

as for the size of my ... ehm. that remains to be seen, now doesn't it?

happy friday, ya'll.

posted by lonestarsteve on fri 14.05.04 6:58 AM

you probably won't believe this, but i have nothing to write about. my work week has sucked so far (still coming off busting my ass last week), and all i'm looking forward to is the weekend. i promised myself that i wouldn't do that: live for my weekends. but it's exactly what i've been doing for the past few months. i've been trying to do stuff during the week but i'm usually so freakin' tired that it's all i can do to eat a little dinner, watch some tube, then sleep.

i then started thinking about everyone else. what are they writing about? what are they bitching about? are their lives any more exciting than mine? let's see...

she's looking for shoes to wear for the rest of her life
she just found out that she's not perfect
she's decided to get her PhD
she wants your big love (and is also for lack of words, like me)
and she's still circling the airport

so, i guess my life isn't that meaningless afterall. love you all. thanks for making me laugh.

posted by lonestarsteve on wed 12.05.04 10:46 PM

back in the late 1980s, my older brother was dating a professional ice skater. she skated with her brother as a couple. he is gay. thier mother died that year of cancer. at her funeral service, a poem was distributed that she had written. i would like to share it here, as a tribute to mothers everywhere, particularly those with gay sons.

i don't have time to worry
about something
as simply human
as someone's sexuality.
we're all just wildflowers anyway,
in a vast field of colors and patterns
and different arrangements
of pistils and stamens.
and
-- no matter what or how many
unkind and very human judgements --
we're all going to keep right on
evolving and growing
anyway,
until we either get this human thing right,
or we disappear.

l. s. n.
1993

my own mother sent this poem to me after the skater couple's mother had died. she wrote at the bottom of the poem, "[she] gave me a gift with this writing -- it so much describes how i feel."

thanks for that, mom. and thank you for always being there for me. i love you so much.

posted by lonestarsteve on sat 08.05.04 11:27 AM

my body, exhausted. my mind, spent. my soul, still corrupt (but that's another story altogether).

this work week has seemed enless. i think i've averaged 5 hours of sleep a night, and i've done nothing but think about work, even on my off hours. but it's over. finally.

this weekend is going to be all about getting re-centered. i'm going to do some much-needed retail therapy, watch some movies (in or out), and i'm going to take lots of naps. i'm also going to whip this web site into shape and make it the showplace that it needs to be. and i need to finish painting this study of mine and organize and clean it. all this crap everywhere -- paintcans, brushes, unhung pictures -- is driving me mad.

i think i might need to hire a houseboy. just for the summer.

posted by lonestarsteve on fri 07.05.04 7:56 AM

this conference is going to be the end of me. every year, i make a promise to myself that i won't be around to have to cover another one. and then, sure enough, the next year rolls around and there i am, notebook in hand, listening to straight, white male oil and gas executives telling it "like it is."

it wouldn't be that bad if not for the fact that pulling all the crap together on deadline for the week is such a royal pain in the arse.

but if we actually always enjoyed what we did for a living, they wouldn't pay us to do it after all. and they definitely would call it something else besides "work."

i'm so happy to be employed. and so are my creditors.

posted by lonestarsteve on tue 04.05.04 7:33 AM

sometimes i wish (actually, not just sometimes. more like very often) that i was independently wealthy so that i could live where i wanted to live, support my family and friends, and not have to worry so much about money all the time. i'm just not a financially gifted person, you know? i'm getting better at managing it, but i still make mistakes and i have a lot to learn.

i love dining out. on friday night my neighbor and friend, mary, treated me to dinner at zula downtown. new american cuisine. the food was great, but it was the interior design of the place that blew me away. we decided to make it our "special occasions" restaurant. thanks again for the great evening, 3b.

the weather this weekend was so completely bizarre. friday was hot and humid, yesterday it rained torrentially, and today it's 55 degrees and clear. it just confirms the old houston saying: if you don't like weather, just wait another 5 minutes. i'll take it over sleet and snow anyday, however.

posted by lonestarsteve on sun 02.05.04 8:37 AM